My Tri-State Fantasy – PA and DE Declare War on New Jersey
What if Pennsylvania and Delaware were finally fed up with the national joke that is New Jersey and decided to do something about it?
This story is a cynical way to create panic right before the 4th of July in an effort to get people off the beaches and out of New Jersey for a couple of days. We could use a little more space on the beach in Sea Isle.
If you are taking this seriously, then you need a vacation. Have a great 4th!
-Joe the Nerd
In a move that is shocking many, the First and Second States (Delaware and Pennsylvania) have declared war on the Third State (New Jersey).
The Geography of New Jersey is a large peninsula bordered by the Atlantic Ocean, the Delaware River and Delaware Bay. The only land access to the Garden State is via New York.
The opening of this war will take place in coordination with 4th of July celebrations. Both Delaware and Pennsylvania plan to blow the bridges that link New Jersey to their states as part of municipal and county fireworks displays.
No one is planned to be on the bridges as part of the demolition. (Although some are trying to bait the New Jersey governor with a pile of free cheeseburgers strategically placed in the middle of the Commodore Barry Bridge.)
Part of the pressure to blow these bridges is the unprecedented number of refugees expected to be coming across to the mainland in response to Governor Chris Christie's draconian policies. We want to keep this guy bottled up.
But there are also other reasons. A spokesperson for Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter expressed relief that something is finally being done.
"I get up in the morning and look across the river and what do I see? Camden. Camden, New Jersey. That would put anyone in a nasty mood. You know what they put on prime riverfront property? A prison. We put classy stuff on our side of the river, like casinos."
Pennsylvania resident Marcel Wrubbernekker, said it well:
"Anything north of Trenton is filled with Yankees and Mets Fans. The Yankees fans are arrogant and Mets fans are delusional. Even though South Jersey people are cool, we just can't take the chance on the people in the north getting out. We certainly don't want them here. It would be great if Wyoming would take them."
In response, a New Jersey-based Mets fan, Dominic Wrubbernekker, said:
"Yeah, like what do the Phillies got? They're nuthin'. I got your cheesesteak right here!"
Delaware resident Harriet Wrubbernekker piped in adding:
"They only like us for our cheap, tax-free booze and outlets catering to polyester suits and QVC-overstocked merchandise. We can take the hit on that since all their credit card charges are coming through here anyway."
Vice President Joe Biden, a Delaware resident, responded with:
"New Jersey? It's not a big f___ing deal."
The Cape May-Lewes Ferry will remain as the only way to get to New Jersey from the south or the west. The folks in Lewes are looking forward to the money that may be coming in, but the new title of the town, "Gateway to New Jersey" has some worried.
Lewes, Delaware resident Marjorie Wrubbernekker sees an upside.
"They overcharge for everything in Cape May. Now it's our turn."
It appears the action New York will take in response to this issue will be to raise tolls on all the bridges and tunnels leading into their state.
Spokesman Chet Wrubbernekker stated:
"Look, it's a question of supply and demand. We can charge more because more people want to escape New Jersey. We'll make a killing here."